Sheffield Cricket Lovers' Society Year Book 2026

“Let’s have a look, lad.” And to one of the players, “You, get me a pint pot, and some iced water. ’Urry up.” I said, “Aye, I could do with a drink, Bernard.” “No!” he bellowed, “No, you sit there with your knackers dangling in it.” Broadcasting japes It was just a joy working on Test Match Special . Brian Johnstone was the lead and he could put a fly on the water to ‘Fred’ and, every time, he would go for it straight away - whoosh! When Goughy came through to play, Brian said, “Well it’s absolutely wonderful that this chap Darren Gough has arrived on the scene. He’s very quick and it’s obvious he will play for England for many years to come. It seems to me, Fred, that he will be Yorkshire’s quickest bowler since the war.” “Hmph! I tell you what, Brian, I could bowl faster than that in ‘mi mac’ and a pair of wellingtons!” After Fred’s daughter married Raquel Welch’s son,‘Johnners’ was at it again… “It must have been a marvellous occasion, Fred, the wedding at Bolton Abbey in the sunshine with the bride looking radiant. No doubt you had a wonderful time meeting Raquel Welch? What sort of lady was she?” “Hmph! Absolutely magnificent, Brian, lad. Fifty years of age, skin like porcelain, not a bloody wrinkle anywhere. She had this dress on. Well, it were dahn ‘ere like that, it were up ere like this - I’ve got thicker belts than that dress!” Spoof pitch reports They came about through drink, nothing else! It was always me and the very thirsty Ian Ward -I think he’s got hollow legs, that lad. We were standing outside a pub and there were bits of grass growing up through the cracks in the pavement - simple as that. The best we did was in Soho, London, when we were walking about and suddenly we were right by a massive window - and it’s a sex shop, very obviously, because there was bondage stuff, chains, masks etc. We got somebody to film us on a mobile, just standing there seriously talking - no laughs at all - about cricket, right in front of all the gear in the window. The chat was about how the wicket had played, should the follow-on be enforced and so on. When it was shoved on social media we received loads of comments... absolutely none of it about what we were talking about!. It was all, “Did you where Lloyd and Ward were standing? It were all masks, chains, rubber and latex and all sorts!” Start the car? A long time ago there was a comedian from Blackpool called Max Miller who had a bald head and lank hair. It was his line, really. He’d do his stint, look at his watch and say, “Right, the money’s mine - start the car.” I pinched it... Max used everyday observations like; “I like this new takeaway food and one day I rang Dominos Pizza. A bloke on the line answered, “Hello, Dominos Pizza. What do you want?” “Well, have a guess. Have you got a couple of hub caps for a Morris Marina?!” A run in with ‘Boycs’ Ran me out in a Test trial, no less. He was well established then and I was just hoping to get in. We opened and I was out lbw to Geoff Arnold for nought. In the second dig, first over, Geoffrey pushed the ball to mid-off, set off and shouted ‘Yees:, then, “No!” I was in the middle of the pitch, stranded. Run out, gone. Not faced a ball. Got a pair. In a Test trial and I ain’t getting in. That’s at ten to four. At 4pm Geoffrey walks off saying, “That’s it, I’m retiring now, I’ve got a train to catch!” Nearly speechless, I managed, “Why didn’t you chuffin’ retire at ten four and let me have a bloody go?!” 33